"Who's ready to take control of your life?" boomed the first man to stand at the podium.
"Ugh," said my brain.
"I can't HEAR YOU! Who's ready for success today?"
"Ugh," my brain repeated. "Is it almost time to leave?"
My brain turned my eyes down to my watch. 8:03 a.m. Nope, not quitting time yet.
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Such begins the day at the average motivational speaker seminar. My brain and I are not big fans of motivational speeches. We don't like playing the name game, we don't like group activities, and we don't like the mass brain-wash that's supposed to make all that ails us disappear for a mere $105 at a convention center near you.
If you've never been to one of these seminars, you're lucky. But that's not what they tell you there. When you're there, they insist you're the lucky few, right on the verge of learning the solutions to life's mysteries.
Businesses often send their young movers-and-shakers to these seminars to make them feel valued. Or something. Maybe they do it just to get you out of the office for a day so they can search your desk for any company staplers that have gone missing.
The we're-sending-you-to-a-seminar notification usually goes something like this.
"Steve, there are a great bunch of professional speakers talking at the Fargo GenericHotel Conference Center, and we think you'd be a great candidate to go."
"Noooooo!" screamed by brain.
So what's so bad about getting a day out of the office to attend one of these seminars?
First, there's the fear. The fear you'll be called upon to come up on stage. I have no desire for that. I don't want to be hypnotized, I don't want to be "fixed," I don't want to be converted to the "right" way of thinking.
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Second, there are the pitches. It goes something like this.
"As I mentioned, I have found the true meaning of life, and I'm going to tell it to you now ... oops! Look at the time! My time's up! I guess you're just going to have to buy my book for $59.95 in order to learn the true meaning of life! Now, will that be cash or credit card?"
Third, there are the true believers. These are the people in the crowd who seem to be buying the whole program -- they're true converts who have transformed in front of our eyes this very morning. Over a ham and swiss sandwich at lunch, they make awkward conversation.
"I had never thought about it before, but I do self-limit too much and from now on, I'm going to tap into my spirit-helpers and I'm going to succeed!"
My brain whispered to me that the true believer could very well be a plant -- a spy for "them" -- the speaker/book sellers.
I can't say I've never learned anything valuable on a few trips to motivational speaker seminars. No, that's not true. I have learned new and interesting ways to make myself virtually invisible, slip away to the bathroom while bringing my coat with me, and walking right past the bathroom to my car, which, like my brain, couldn't wait to speed away.
