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I'm a deer, and it's fun being me

I'm a deer. Not a normal deer, mind you, I have a white tail, which I'm really proud of. That makes me a special deer. I like to show off my white tail to remind all the rest of creation of how fleet on my feet I really am. There's no doubt about it: I am the fastest creature around here. I can out run and out jump and out dodge everything. My tail only looks white from the rear, which is where you're usually going to be when I show you how fast I am.

Sure, all this sounds like bragging, but everyday, I and my cousins and nephews and relatives demonstrate this physical superiority. We make dogs who chase us give up, lie down, and pant after only a few hundred yards through tall grass. They think they're pretty fast, but they're not -- not really. Most of them are fat and don't hardly ever run at all and then they see us and think they're hot stuff. Once one of them chased me. He was chubby and had gray whiskers and got just about into the woods and laid down and had a heart attack. I went back to talk to him. All he said was: "I need some more table food, I guess."

Dogs are especially fun during the summer. We sneak into the buildings where herds of Two-Legs live, get the attention of the fat dog, and race them into the night. Here's where I have to brag some more: judging from the way all the rest of creation is blind during the night, this behavior of ours, namely enticing dogs out into the woods where they run into trees and bushes and stuff, isn't quite fair. But it sure is fun.

They're fat, and I'm not -- not really, and they really can't race in the white season, when white stuff is deep. I miss racing them then, when I'm all alone in the deep woods.

I have one other quality, which I am reluctant to reveal, but as you can tell, I'm not afraid of anything because I'm faster than anything, so it shouldn't matter. Here it is: I'm also invisible. Although this seems impossible, time after time Two-Legs have walked right by me, stumbling and huffing and puffing. They are obviously an inferior design, only having two legs to move around on. Once, I was lying down taking a nap in the See-Your-Breath-Season when a Two-Legs almost stepped on me. Had I not been asleep, I would have shown him how fast I am. Since I was asleep, he didn't see me because of that other special quality, being invisible.

Sometimes Two-Legs think they can be pretty cagey, like when they spray themselves all over with skunk or fox urine, I guess so they'll think they smell pretty. Who sells them that stuff? I mean, good grief, skunks go to bed during the white season, and all of a sudden, just because they're gone, everyone wants to smell like them? Everything out here in the woods just gets used to smelling good because the skunks are all sleeping, and all of a sudden, all these Two-Legs start stinking up the place. They stink. Go figure.

Some Two-Legs like to pretend they're apples. What's that about? I go down this same trail to the field where the little hard beans grow that taste so good everyday all summer. Then one day, just before the white season begins, there's an apple tree just popped up in the path? And apples strewn all over the ground? I don't know what my IQ is but I'm smart enough to know some stuff about what should and what shouldn't be there that wasn't there yesterday and is today.

I can see my breath this morning. That means a whole herd of Two-Legs are going to come out and let us show off our superiority once again. It's really embarrassing, how they come out smelling like beer, tobacco on fire, and poop. What do they eat? OMG! They smell so bad! Then they climb up into trees so everyone can smell them. I pity the birds and squirrels having to put up with them. I saw one of them fall out of a tree last year. That was really funny. They can't fly at all.

I have to go. Up the road I see another Four-Wheels coming, and I'm going to race him down the road and show him my white tail. I like it when they swerve all over and squeal with fear and sometimes give up and roll over in the ditch with their wheel-legs up in the air. It's fun being me.